OCTOBER 16, 2021
hi friends. i want to kill myself. last night i found out that my boyfriend jerked off
to pictures of his cousin literally a week before we saw each other for the first time in four months.
i am all alone again, with no one, because he was my only one. i wish i could find the boy i used to know.
the one i made all the nice memories with. like our first date at the river, where he sang me my favorite smashing
pumpkins song. who would do this? i wanted to forgive him but it's impossible. i feel hopeless and disposable. i'm
not good enough to love, or something like that, or i don't have a pretty face or a nice body. i just feel like nothing at all.
but i'm listening to rammstein to make myself feel better. i'm also reading a mothers reckoning by sue klebold again. i bet
dylan wouldn't do that to someone. god. someone kill me.
OCTOBER 7, 2021
i got my first vaccine shot today and it hurt so bad and i almost threw up in the waiting room after and
i couldn't breathe so i walked back to the car even though you're supposed to wait there for 15 mins.
i am ok now but my arm hurts and still feel slightly sick. i hope it will go away soon because i have a vomit
phobia (it's embarrassing because i've been clinically diagonsed with it) and i can't really eat because of
the sick feeling. however i bought muffins on the way home because i was craving cake. if i didn't have a
fear of vomiting i would totally be bulimic. i shouldn't say that because it's insensitive so i'm sorry. anyways
right now i'm writing this and listening to deftones. hope everyone is having a good day. oh also i
slammed my dumb pinkie finger in my door today and it bled. and i fed an ant some of my rice cracker.